Letting Go and Letting God

lessons from a formerly miserable ex-girlfriend…

Sometimes, you need to think about what the things that you have worked hard for has turned out for you. Like a supposedly beautiful relationship with the person you loved and would have wanted a happy ending together. You would have wanted forever with this wonderfully special person in your life, but sometimes, destiny has other plans for you. Or rather, God has better plans for you. I may have used up tons of boxes of tissue paper and endured so many nights soaking my pillow with salty tears, but I’ve found happiness once again. This one’s for those individuals who think that it’s the end of the world for them after a painful breakup. I’ve been there, like so many of us did, and this is how I pushed myself to move on, let go, and let God take charge of my life.

It’s been five long years to this day after my first love walked out of my life. Yes, walked out. We never had closure, he never broke up with me, and I never broke up with him either. Ken just disappeared, and when a person doesn’t want to be found, that’s harder than a search and rescue operation for shipwreck victims. He was a student seafarer yes, and no, his ship wasn’t wrecked. We shared one beautiful year together, and he even introduced me to his parents telling them that I’m the woman he’s going to marry one day. And then, to my surprise, he stopped texting me. At first I thought he was just busy with his studies and had little time to chill out.

I didn’t doubt him at first, even if I know he’s a reputed ladies’ man back in high school. I found strength in prayer hoping that even if he’s busy, he’ll never forget his promise to me, that we’ll be together forever. We were young, I was 16 at that time and he was 17. But after three weeks of not getting in touch with me, doubt crept into my heart. Later on, a good friend told me he’s seeing someone else. At first I just said, that’s crazy. He’s away at school and there’s no chance he’s seeing someone. This friend of mine slapped me and said I never knew my boyfriend really well. He’s been dating this girl who’s a couple of years younger than me for more than three years. So Ken had been cheating on me all along.

I know, you’ll say you’ve wasted a couple of minutes of your time reading this cheesy, sorry love affair. It’s okay if you’ll feel that way. But moving on, I decided to find out the truth straight from him. I don’t listen to rumors, and I steeled myself for the worst. I asked him on the phone one day, saying if he’s really seeing someone. He said no of course. And then I tried “Are you alright? You haven’t sent an email, or even one text message to me for like a month. Are we having problems lately?” He just replied with “I can’t see you anymore.” And the guy hung up. Yes, I felt cold, like every drop of blood has been siphoned out of my body, leaving me lifeless. I tried every way to reach out to him after that, but I can’t even reach his phone anymore. I tried going to his school in the neighboring city, and his friends saved me from humiliating myself by escorting me back to the bus terminal, saying Ken may just yell at me and cause commotion at their school. Even his mom tried to talk some sense to him, and she tried to comfort me all the time. But everything’s to no avail, because he’s old enough to think for himself. So even if his parents loved me, they can’t dictate whom he could have for a girlfriend.

At first, I never wanted to accept the fact that the very first person I fell in love with is gone forever. I spent like three months feeling bad about myself. Because there was one thing that really bugs me. The last time we talked and he said he can’t see me anymore, I could hear tears in his voice. That’s one of the biggest riddles in my life I had right now.

Anyways, after all was said and done, I told myself that I should get up and move on. It took me more than a hundred sob stories from magazines to realize that I’m not alone in my sorry experience. So I worked harder in school, I wanted to make the best out of myself. I made it a point that if I can’t make the best out of my love life, I’ll give my very best instead to that one priceless gift my parents gave me. My education. I figured that if I can’t have a loving and faithful boyfriend for myself, I should still be thankful for the fact that God was always there for me. In my depressed nights, I was still lulled to sleep and I woke up refreshed in the morning. I was alive, and I never thought of committing suicide. I understand why there are people who take their lives because someone broke their heart. Because when someone you love so much cheats on you, it’s like you’re a living dead every time you wake up. Yet I didn’t do it. I just thought that hey, I love you and I want you always to be happy. And if you can’t find happiness in me, go find it somewhere. The months without him were painful, sick, lonely, bleak. But every time I say amen before I go to bed at night, I feel better knowing that God is watching over me. I know that everything will be alright the next day, and that He has something better all planned out for me.

I hope you’ll realize that too. I still hadn’t talked to my ex because he doesn’t want to be found by me, but still, I just wish him enough, and the best. Remember that it’s never too late to start anew. Step out of bed, smile, and let God take charge of your life. Have a beautiful day!